How to Get Away with Murder

An entertaining, but hopefully not helpful, post at Kill Zone Blog: How to Get Away with Murder

What Not to Do

a. Don’t leave evidence behind

b. Don’t take evidence with you as a little souvenir

c. Don’t get seen

d. Never confess

You know, I’m remembering one or another true-crime book I’ve read where the murderer hires some lowlife, undependable, incompetent guy to actually do the deed. What a terrible idea! It seems absolutely rock-bottom obvious that you should absolutely not involve random other people in your crimes. Do it yourself.

I guess that’s part of point (c).

Of course modern forensics is good enough that it can be tricky to avoid leaving evidence behind. Everyone who reads murder mysteries knows that murderers are always making little mistakes that turn out to be their downfall.


What to Do:

a. Cause an arterial gas embolism

b. Poison

c. Oh, there’s no (c), just those two methods.

Well, that’s chintzy. I certainly expect blogs offering suggestions about how to get away with murder to offer a few more options.

Not that there’s anything wrong with arterial gas embolism, other than getting your victim to hold still while you inject an air bubble.

Anyway! Here is a funny and more extensive article about how to get away with murder. I trust you’ll enjoy it without finding it of any practical use.

Always do it all yourself. The fewer people you include, the fewer people you will have to kill later. If you want to get away with murder, no one else can know about it. Not your mom, not the cat. You should probably avoid even making eye contact with anyone while you’re thinking about the murder. Maybe that person is clairvoyant. You don’t know. The more people who know about your murder the more people you may have to someday murder to keep them quiet. Because they’ll blackmail you and stuff; people are such creeps. And word to the wise: if you build an awesome killer ninja robot to be your accomplice, then you will have to take the whole thing apart after the murder is done and then hide all the bloody pieces. Don’t accumulate witnesses or conspirators. It will only increase your chances of getting caught.

See? That is very good advice. Especially about watching out for possible clairvoyants.

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7 thoughts on “How to Get Away with Murder”

  1. Those clairvoyants are always a problem! And that last one is hard for me, because I get so attached to my ninja killer robots…

  2. Evelyn, are you making that up? …

    Nope, here’s a link!

    Wow. You know what, if I wrote an article called “How to murder someone and definitely not get caught” and then murdered someone, I sure hope THAT title would actually reflect reality.

  3. Where “evidence left behind” includes things like CCTV, and license plate readers. If you’re planning to murder someine, you’re better off doing it prior to the 21st century.

  4. In real life generally, without going into very convoluted plots, in many countries the easiest way appears to be by using a car, and then claiming it was an accident, you didn’t see them, and you’re so devastated that you killed someone.
    If they don’t leave the site of the accident, call the police, and didn’t drink or do drugs, drivers often get away with no more than a fine.

    Even if they were speeding, went though a red light, were texting on their phone, mounted the pavement, and driving in an obviously dangerous manner, if they protest that they need their car for work or daily life, they mostly get to keep their driving license too, without even a temporary suspension!

    I was quite shocked when I started to read about these huge disparities in judicial outcomes for killing someone with a car, versus any other kind of negligent homicide or whatever it’s called when you endanger other people by your reckless actions (or inactions), or for traffic accidents caused not by motor vehicle drivers (the vast majority) but by cyclists (a tiny minority); but although there are outliers it does seem to be customary to give drivers very lenient sentences, at least in the UK and USA (which is where I read about this happening).

  5. Don’t ask me, Hanneke. I would throw the book at someone who was that insanely negligent. But I think deliberate homicide using a car would probably be treated differently, so the murderer would have to be careful to make it really look negligent.

  6. Indubitably, Pete. I would definitely be worried about new improved forensics plus the ubiquity of cameras if I killed somebody today.

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