Thank you for all your comments, and here’s the second try. What do you think?
*** *** ***
Tano may be inGara now, but he feels anything but secure among his new people.
Suspected and distrusted because he was born to the inTasiyo, bitter enemies of the inGara, Tano is trying hard to behave perfectly and fit in with his new people. But he fears that any serious misstep might mean the lord of the inGara casts him out of the tribe. If that happens, Tano will lose more than his place with the inGara: he’ll lose Ryo’s good opinion and encouragement, his tentative new friendships, his younger brother — everything that matters to him.
He would rather die.
Then Vayu inKera, also once inTasiyo, brings Tano an urgent problem, asking for his help. Tano owes Vayu too great a debt to refuse … even if trying to help might cost him everything.
*** *** ***
Worst problem that I can see: “everything” twice. I keep trying to rephrase one or the other, yet cutting the first “everything” makes the paragraph read badly to me.
Is “fit in with” too modern-American a phrase? What’s an alternative? Because I’m coming up blank.
Too many names now, or is it reading okay with Vayu in there by name? Maybe that’s smoother. I think I like it better.
As always, I appreciate your feedback! Tear it apart! Where is this still clunky or ineffective?