Thank you all again for your advice! Here’s the new, hopefully improved, version:
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In a world subject to indifferent Gods and immanent spirits, where many-headed dragons ride midwinter storms across the land during the dark turn of the year, the ambitions of power-mad kings seldom present the greatest threat to peace and prosperity.
Even so, they don’t make comfortable neighbors.
When Kehera, princess of the peaceful land of Harivir, finds her country threatened by the ambition of the Mad King of Emmer to the north, she resolves to take any steps necessary to protect her people. But she never expected to find herself a pawn in a power struggle between enemies she hadn’t even known existed. Abducted and powerless, she must find a way to forge new alliances or see her homeland fall.
Innisth, infamous Wolf Duke of Pohorir, has long wished to break from his king and establish an independent kingdom of his own. When Kehera unexpected falls into his hands, he immediately sees how he might use her to achieve his ambition at last. But he never expected to care for her. Even as triumph seems within his grasp, he finds himself torn between grim ambition and the hope of winning something more.
As midwinter rushes down upon the world, Kehera and Innisth must find a way to work together, or they may both lose everything to a common enemy that is more dangerous than either of them had ever suspected.
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I’m not quite sure I like every detail of this, but I do think it’s an improvement. Shorter, too.
You do understand I’m leaving out a ton of important stuff, right? I just am not going to try to work in all the important bad guys, or for that matter all the important good guys, because this is a big, complicated novel and there’s just no way.
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It’s better, it doesn’t go flat any more. (Teen just agreed with me.)
typo in the para about the Duke, Kehera should unexpected*ly* fall into his hands. Or just fall into them, without modifier.
I think it could be improved a bit more, but would have to think on how.
I like it!
I think you could leave out “to the north” – all we needed to know is he’s from another kingdom, and we get that already.
I think the sentence beginning with “but” in the third paragraph feels a bit clunky – it’s nitpicking, but I’d prefer a different start to that sentence.
And, leaving out lots of stuff is fine, even encouraged, as long as the feel of the story is conveyed. Based on this, I expect somewhat traditional fantasy with some romantic elements. Is that right?
I like it, it’s clearer and more active.
Nitpicking details:
– Mad king of Emmer “to the north” can be left out, I wouldn’t miss it.
– Kehera’s paragraph, leave off the But at the start of the middle sentence: “She never expected” works just as well, and avoids the echo in Innisht’s paragraph (which feels a bit stylistically forced to me).
– Innisht’s paragraph somehow feels a lot like a traditional romance description to me, and might make the book a bit less attractive to Fantasy adventure readers who don’t like too much romance in their stories. Considering you usually put in plenty of adventure and keep a light touch with the romance, that might not be an impression you want to give. If the romance is very important in this book, it might be exactly what you want to convey.
I don’t know how to put it better, but it’s in the juxtaposition of these sentences (for me):
When Kehera unexpected falls into his hands, he immediately sees how he might use her to achieve his ambition at last. But he never expected to care for her. Even as triumph seems within his grasp, he finds himself torn between grim ambition and the hope of winning something more.
(Somehow that middle sentence starting with But makes this book into a romance, for me?)